This entire experience has been heart wrenching, yet also another interesting look into Chinese culture. I just tried to stumble through it all and provide support for my family. Not sure how much is similar to to funerals in other regions of China. But perhaps writing some of this out (with funny asides as well) will help some members get prepared for this eventuality in their families’ lives. (I've been posting this on a China/US couples forum i visit. Thought some want to read here.)
My wife and her brother picked me up at PEK in his father-in-law's car. The plan was to drive me back to Zhangjiakou that night. Huge mistake. Both were confused and lost coming into the airport passenger pick up area (mostly for reasons that become clear later) which I was wandering around trying to find for an hour anyway. And then I was the one trying to give THEM directions to find it! It was the blind leading the blind. They finally drive up 45 minutes later and Ying jumps out crying and grabs me. I can only hold her and try my best to comfort her. Brother is tearing up and gives me a big manly embrace.
Just before leaving Beijing, we pull off into a Sinopec station for a bathroom break. Waiting for Ying, I watch a large family pile out and later back into a VW Tiguan. They’d spent the day shopping I guess and had packages they were rearranging in the hatchback. They picked up an extra person at the Sinopec, so their 3 or 4 year old boy gets put inside the hatchback and disappears surrounded by all the purchases. The panel that can hide the contents of the hatchback is pulled over him and everything else and a few more items are stacked on top. I was laughing my ass off as they drove away. The family saw me and smiled and waved. I just couldn’t help but picture in my head what someone might do if they saw a family do that to a kid in the US!
Now, Beijing traffic really is quite reasonable compared to other parts of China in my opinion. But once we are driving out the highway by Badaling, the wild driving is back. Of course this is the point Ying informs me brother is driving on no sleep. Her brother had driven all night to find a guy who does custom engraving work on coffin lids. He is driving too slow when he needs to speed up and too fast when he needs to slow down. Add into the equation that he has ONLY been driving on a regular basis about 6 months now. I am riding in the back with Ying and I had almost no sleep in 40+ hours because I just can't sleep on planes. I am wide eyed with terror watching cars zipping around us nearly clipping us at speeds around 70, 80 and 90 maybe a 100 miles an hour. He is smoking like a chimney to stay awake. My wife is crying. I have my arms around her. It's getting dark. I am suggesting we just turn around and get a hotel.
Nobody likes that plan because the funeral is at 10 AM the next day and they had held off on it until I could arrive. Ying tells me a couple of days were spent in the hospital room with Mama’s body but she is now at a funeral home being prepared for the next day. I was a little surprised to find the hospital allowed this. Think of how fast the hospitals need to fill the empty beds in the US. The hospital doctors also avoided the family for a day refusing to answer any questions. Mama’s nephew (party member, good government job in town) got on top of it and went to the hospital and negotiated that the 80K RMB paid towards a 103K RMB bill be reimbursed. Another 70K RMB is to be paid to Ying’s father. It seems like the hospital was sort of admitting fault, but not at the same time. Perhaps it’s like pleading “nolo contendre?”
Suddenly, brother says he can't stay awake and pulls over to rest on the "shoulder." We all know that to Chinese drivers, the shoulder is merely an optional lane. Now picture this: here we are stopped at dusk (hazards on thankfully) with cars coming at us from the rear at previously mentioned speeds, swerving around us at the last second, horns blasting, forcing a merge back into the driving lane. Brother is pacing around in front of the car smoking when some random guy climbs up the embankment next to the car. He and brother start chatting and smoking and we are wondering if this guy is offering to drive now.
Brother returns to the car and he has phoned a relative in Beijing who needs to attend the funeral anyway and has offered to drive. Of course we have to turn around and go back! It’s really not the simplest thing to find a turn around in that area, but we did. And we paid a toll for it as well. And of course we arrive at the spot the relative is supposed to be waiting and there is no relative. There is however a Super 8 which I am at this point begging them to check into. That’s not happening. Wash, rinse, repeat. Everything that happened before, happens again. Including stopping at the same Sinopec, stopping on the side of the road near Badaling, cars nearly killing us, brother pacing around. It’s a weird nightmare.
Finally, brother is reasonable and says he definitely shouldn’t drive and we’ll get a hotel. We end up taking an exit and driving into a small town. This was the best solution. It’s about 8 PM now. After checking into a foreigner friendly hotel, we find a nearby spot to have dinner. We proceed to get drunk and alternate between crying about Mama and laughing and telling funny stories about her. I pulled out the one about her being shocked that I was eating cold pizza for breakfast in ShenZhen. So shocked that she calls up Ying and tells her not to allow it! Michael will get a tummy ache!
After a foot massage (where I fell asleep) we retired to the hotel. It was about midnight by then and we could have been in Zhangjiakou long before. But when it’s not safe to drive, it’s better to pull over and rest. And there’s your PSA for today.
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